Wednesday, June 28, 2006
一人 · 孤单
其实，我是知道的。
已经决定要放弃的东西，就应该把它遗忘。
再带有希望的话，结果就会越绝望。
我知道眼前有两条路可选。
一条是空虚平静的死亡，另一条是辛苦的做垂死挣扎。
我挣扎得好累呀。没人能为我加油。因为没人了解。
即使想要去让对方了解，他们也不愿意听。
好孤独，但我不能抱怨，因为一切皆是咎由自取。
不喜欢孤单的感觉，但一切真的是太晚了。
累了。所以，算了。
孤单就孤单吧。
è¯å yawned @ 5:24 PM
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Monday, June 26, 2006
Student conference -- revisited
Was clearing my desktop today, and chanced upon the website that we created for the student conference... a website that much effort was invested, but yet had never seen daylight.
Looking at the website, i feel slightly proud of myself on having built it.. the strive for perfection despite deadlines to be met for FYP presentation and reports, the satisfaction at having conqured the javascript that i've never learnt, as well the irritation at having the website being completely forgotten by the same pple who requested for it to be done. Ah well, its just me spending excessive energy at unnecessary things again. -shrugs-
yet as the conference became a thing of the past, i soon came to realise that although the website was never seen by anyone else, the toil behind it will never be wasted... Emotions will live on as the memory stays. If no one else has seen it, then it'll be my own piece of private memory... It'll be a wonderful piece of my past when i look back years down the road.
i guess that will apply to alot of things that are coming my way! =)
è¯å yawned @ 7:03 PM
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Monday, June 19, 2006
NYP Graduation
The NYP Graduation has been, in many ways, a rather eventful event for me.
First off, the court shoes that i wore today decided to give me a very straight and direct to the face answer that yes, it is old, and i should not have dug it out from its 3yr+ slumber: it detached its heels from its sole. Fine. maybe i should have gotten the hint when i found the surface of the right shoe full of cracks, but hey! i was thinking this can be the last time i'm wearing it! Anyway, yar, luckily it gave way while i was filing my way to the seat in the auditorium... i can't imagine what will happen if it were to happen when i'm on stage with the VIP and the whole auditorium staring at my klutz!
Secondly, we were told to bring our I/C with us while we go on the stage, so that we can claim our diploma straight after the "shaking hands show". Being one of the few who happened to have pockets, i was the keeper for my 4 other friends' I/C. However, while i was lining up to go on stge to get my diploma, i realised, to my horror, that i only have 4 I/Cs with me!! and guess whose I/C was missing?? wahahaha... yep. it's urs truly. i was like, wth?? RIGHT. at LEAST the one i lost is mine. at LEAST i nv get others into trouble. HA. HA. HA. What great luck.
I attempted to hold on to my hopes that yea, maybe i dropped it on the way to the queue. So after collecting the diploma, i passed the I/Cs back to my friends and asked for permission to search for mine in the vicinity of my seat. but OH NO~~~ i can't find it. damn. now i gotta go report lost. SHIT!!!. and as i was once again about to lapse into hysteria, one of my friend came running to me and said that my I/C was stuck to the back of hers. I was like.. speechless. Speechless at how lucky that my I/C is found, and also at how lame the whole episode is.
(the stupidest thing, however, is that they didn't even check our I/C when we collected our diploma.. so idiotic right? my i/C could haf just stayed safely in my wallet, and i wdn't hafta freak out.)
Anyway, after the whole thing was over, and after the round of phototaking with the "Graduation 2006" board as backdrop, i brought my hungry parents to the lunch reception. Eat, eat, eat... and Charmaine came along.
Charmaine: Congratulations on ur graduation!
Me: Thank you!
Charmaine: just want to check with you, will u be working or studying?
Me: Oh studying. Going to Sydney.
Charmaine: Oh! ok so maybe just check your particulars... *shows class list* any changes?
Me: eh... nope!
*dad walks over*
Me: oh Charmaine, my dad. he speaks cantonese.
*a round of broken cantonese (from Charmaine) and chinese (from dad) exchanged*
*mum joins us*
Me: and this is my mum. *charmaine looks at me* oh. she's an english speaker.
*launches into an interrogation of Charmaine, as my mum decides to dig information about Sydney from her... Areas discussed focused mainly on 1. safety of neighbourhood, and 2. whether the roads are well-lit at night*
Conversation ended with Charmaine concluded that "Lidcombe is a dead town, Burwood has more asian shops and is more alive", and "actually, sometimes the things mothers worry about are justified."
After Charmaine left, i disappeared for a while as i went to chat with eliz they all. When i returned to my parents' area, to my big big BIG surprise, i saw
HUA BENG standing beside my mum.
i was lk. er. eh. huh? how come hb is there? i mean, he wasn't there when i left, so
how on earth did he know those 2 are my parents????i bet i had one of those funny expressions that he always associate me with. at the very least, i think my mouth was opened in shock.
Anyway, turns out that Charmaine introduced him to them. -.- some sort of conversation went on, as my mum again tried to understand how is the weather like in Sydney in July. oh, but the highlight of the conversation was:
Mum: do you happen to know how much does an average pillow cost in Sydney?
I was lk.. think eyes nearly popped and fell out... i think hb also abit "cua dio", but gave a rather diplomatic answer...
HB: (after a momentary pause)well, there is a range of pillows available in Sydney. Some will be expensive, but there are cheap ones as well. (seeing that my mum is expecting more details)... i think it can go as low as AUD$8.
i was practically screaming in embarrasment in my head!! PILLOWS!! OF ALL THINGS!!! ARGH!!!!!! omg omg omg omg omg. with that i took practical actions and decided to distract them wth photo taking. omg. PILLOWS.
ah.. so as u can see, although i was quite happy that my parents came, i was also rather happy to see them leave for home first. After that was a series of photo taking, chattin with friends and lecturers alike. And as the crowd slowly n gradually dispersed, we (meaning eliz, joanna, ser and me) were left talking with our dear Mr Lim HB.
it's actually quite funny, the things that u'll do when tt power relationship of lecturer-student dissolved... eliz was taking her long awaited lunch, while jojo, ser and me were happily oscillating in a row, telling huabeng about our plans for positive attrition to librarians after jojo's 6 yrs bond ends. and of course, we talked about alot of other stupid things, but hey, tt's just us trying to be friendly yeah?
ah ah.. and so, my life chapter in NYP has finally concluded with a rather interesting note. And as i type this entry with the sky so dark and wind (from the fan) so cool, who knows? maybe later i might actually start missing my days as a student from NYP.
but tt's really all quite understandable, right?
è¯å yawned @ 9:55 PM
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Saturday, June 17, 2006
this business of gg Sydney...
... is very tiring. Disregarding the meetings with friends, family and the nonsensical organisations, the main thing is basically, essentially, to pack.
Pack. A simple word with a simple meaning, but yet is so difficult to do.
Yes i bought the suitcase, i got my winter wear, and have successfully dumped almost everything into the suitcase. But tt's not all. HAIX. and today, after waking up from a nightmare about gg to a "marathon style A-levels" unprepared (don't ask me why A-levels), i decided to finish my shopping for the trip at Sembawang Shopping Center. Putting the things into the basket was easy, bringing them home was tough and dumping them in a half-filled luggage was a headache! okok... It wasn't really
THAT difficult la, its just tt i was stuck on what to ship over... what clothes do i want to ship over for spring and summer?? Wah.. my whole room resembles a battle zone a few hours ago. BUT happy to say,
I WON. muahaha.. i'll just need to decide which company to use for my shipping, and to put them into the boxes.
Electronically, I spent the whole of ytdy trying to rip CDs into my laptop and only dicovered: 1. i can only finish 6 CDs b4 i get tired; and 2. i have 3 CDs missing!!! and i have a hunch that there're more missing CDs yet to be discovered! damn sian. can the person who still owes me the CD please own up? they are:
1. 梁静茹 《恋爱的力量》 CD1
2. Eason Chan Canto CD
3. Jay Chou's November Chopin ( <-- yes i know who took it. pls be automatic and return me. ^^)
Anyway. given the rate i'm ripping CDs, i don't think i can rip anime as i initially planned to. -humph-
i think i'm abit konk-ed out by all the things that i need to do.. so much so that i was falling sick AGAIN (this time with sorethroat) ytdy. I even forgot about father's day!!! wat an unfilial daughter i am. *kicks myself in the butt*
ah ah. but i think things can only turn for the better. I am really REALLY ALMOST FINISHED packing (except the laptop and its gadgets), and the official engagements will be over by end of next week! woohoo!
let's hope nth will crop up with the visa and accomodations ok? *prays feverently*
è¯å yawned @ 7:34 PM
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Thursday, June 15, 2006
TAKE ... to.girls
woohoo!! anyone heard of the new korean boyband called "TAKE"? its a band of 4 guys, all around my age.. i stumbled on their CD "to.girls" at a pasar malam, and hey! they're good!!!
ya la, i must admit that i initially bought the CD because i was attracted by their pretty faces... but their vocals are really good too!! their first hit song is terrific!! its called 化蝶, but they have a chinese version of the song called 双子座 Gemini... I prefer the korean version la.. so if u wanna download, download that 1st track!!!
its quite rare to see boybands that provide both visual and auditory entertainment.. So this group is definitely high on my recommendations list!!
GO LISTEN!! (AND SEE!!!) heehee~
è¯å yawned @ 11:24 PM
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Wednesday, June 14, 2006
whose fault is it?
i really think that certain things are really not my fault.
Like me not eating "proper" meals.
How can i? when i find eating as a chore? when i cannot indulge in the joy of eating?
Why can't i enjoy eating? because i'm always stuffed with food when i'm full or do not have the inclination to eat, and i always cannot find food when i WANT to eat.
It's the same regarding reporting my location when i'm out.
How can i? when I know I'll get scolded for either not telling or being out too late/often anyway. Especially when i get snubbed by my mother when i ask her where she's going, and get chided by my father for NOT knowing where my mother is. There is no point in telling or not telling.
Seriously, i think my behaviours are not my fault. There are environmental factors that shaped me to become the way i am.
But yet, am i merely pushing all the responsibility to external factors just to get to do what i want?
Perhaps i AM pushing responsibility. Perhaps i'm just not trying hard enough. So i still insist that no, it's not my fault for turning out the way i am, but it's my fault for not trying to change my likes and dislikes.
Which by itself, is ironic, because if i can change likes and dislikes, then it'll be equivalent to manufacturing my inner being. Or am i supposed to manufacture my inner being? Somehow, just thinking about doing this contaminates my idea of the inner being as a spiritual holy ground.
ah~ another contradictory point i made. If u'd notice, i ALWAYS make conflicting views. Again, i shall say that this is not my fault, nor that of my brains. It's just that i've been growing up in an environment that ALWAYS provides contradicting signals. No wonder i'm still somhow fixated at the identity vs role confusion stage.
ah, but that is beside the point. the thing i wanna get across here is, yea, i know it's my fault, but i don't think it's my fault too.
Ah. shoot. stop contradicting myself!! ok, if u're still confused, perhaps i should be more to the point.. I actually only wanna ask:
Any idea on how to cultivate the joy of eating?
è¯å yawned @ 11:07 PM
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Monday, June 12, 2006
itchy-itchy
i had been inconsistently having nightmares of not having packed for Sydney despite having only 1 week left for the past few days... So i decided to take practical action today, and went to buy myself a set of 3 luggage bags (30", 25", 20") @ $79.90 at Carrefour... Nearly killed myself trying to get to City Hall MRT from Suntec... Maybe the 30" might be too big afterall...
Anyway, i opened the bag up once i reach home, wanting to dump all the winter clothings i got from HK a few months back into the luggage. wow! really quite spacious!! Not bad~
And then i rmr-ed about packing my shoes, towel, toiletries etc... OMG!!! So many things!!! i was trying to figure out how to stuff everything in when i notice myself scratching my leg.... and then my ears....
OOPS!! i HAVE BEEN scratching since dunno when!!! argh~~ must stop must stop...
hrm. since my condition of ectopic dermatitis is stress induced, my excessive scratching today must be a result of stress!! with this realisation came the awareness that i am actually having some kind of a "filled to the chin" feeling.. its a feeling that resembles a blocked drain filled with water. Yucks!
ah... so this is the 1st time i realise that i am stressed over the trip to Sydney. i better do something to relieve stress. Play maple? or should i make a list of things to bring to pack instead?
hahaha~ its a battle between Id and SuperEgo again...
è¯å yawned @ 5:49 PM
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Sunday, June 11, 2006
The Id, Ego, SuperEgo Trilogy
Can u call it a Trilogy?? not really i guess, but i meant it to be a trilogy when i first started writing..
Yea, if u haven't noticed, i've finally closed the story.. with quite a lousy ending. hahaha. don't care. I just feel like ending it when i saw it left like that for such a long time.
For those who still remembered the story, thank you for using some of your memory cells for this unworthy piece of story. For those who don't have any idea what i am talking about, i have included the links to the various episodes scattered among these 2 years in this entry.
I firmly believe that Id, Ego, and SuperEgo exists within all of us. What stories does your set of 3 sisters weave? It will be very interesting to note them all down...
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Links:Introduction :: The story of Id, Ego & Super-egoThe life stories ::Episode 01 -- Ego's Epic Journey
part 01 ;
02 ;
03Episode 02 --
Id's Chronicles of Daily Living Finale :: The Case of the Missing SuperEgo
è¯å yawned @ 5:45 PM
The Case of the Missing SuperEgo
It's all captured by her eyes and ears.
What Id and Ego are doing, that is.
Why?
Because she is a coward. SuperEgo is a big GIGANTIC coward. When she left the family on a world tour, she meant it. She really did intend to spend at least the next 5 tears of her life traveling and gettng her own life back... as well as returning theirs to them. Yet, she has only stepped into the Changi Airport before she cowardly changed her Japan flight to Penang. And her 5 years holiday shortened to become one of 5 hours, because she took the next flight back to Singapore.
She can't leave her sisters alone. She simply can't. Yet, she also cannot face her own cowardice. Because she chose to escape, to run away from her responisbility with a "travel", even though she knew wat would happen if she's not around to manage the family. With Ego's pacifist personality and Id's tyrancy, Ego will definitely leave home and Id will take over the household. If SuperEgo returns, she's sure that this will not happen.
Yet, it'll be the joke of her lifetime if she goes back on her words and came home after merely 5 hours. She can't bear it. It'll be humiliating. So she decides to escape from her shame again, to hide and observe. She saw Ego leaving the house and Id making a total mess of the place that was originally their home. It was exactly wat she predicted.
How she hated herself. SuperEgo, the one that is supposed to be the pillar of the family, is actually the weakest of all. It's a horrible horrible feeling.
If only time can reverse, she would never had left the home.
Such regret can only be expressed by the numerous tears that she shed over the nights of lonliness and repremand.
But even so, she still doesn't have the courage to appear. She still haven't contacted Ego, even though she knows Ego is still desperately searching for her.
She must appear soon, but she really don't know when.
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Links:Introduction :: The story of Id, Ego & Super-egoThe life stories ::Episode 01 -- Ego's Epic Journey
part 01 ;
02 ;
03Episode 02 --
Id's Chronicles of Daily Living Finale :: The Case of the Missing SuperEgo
è¯å yawned @ 5:33 PM
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Saturday, June 10, 2006
Wonderful Day?
Today had been a wonderful day!!
It started off with a wonderful recap of the Japan trip as i sorted out the photos on the way to Chinatown to claim the camera bag that i deserved but nv had. I was smiling despite myself. Ah~ what wonderful times it had been...
At Chinatown, the shop uncle did not hesitate to give me the camera pouch that they forgot to put into my bag when i purchased the camera at the PC Show. I was expecting them to doubt the truth behind my words, and was psyching myself up to act blur so that perhaps tt can melt their defenses, but no! they gave me without a struggle.
i had the best ktv session ever experienced because initially there was only 2 of us singing and so we were disinhibited -- we sang songs the way NOT as it was sang, but the way we WANTED it to be... of course, included was the sweet sense of victory having conquered Jay's 珊瑚海... =P
Following that i had the wonderful dinner at a korean restaurant at Tanjong Pagar... Food was Super-licious!! and the night was made more fun with us spouting nonsense of the past... hehe. We must have made quite a din there~
So after the whole day is finished and i've alighted at yishun, i was certain that this must have been a blessed day. Just then, i saw a visually impaired uncle groping around.
"Ah! its time to pass the bless forward", i thought, so i went to ask the uncle if he needed any help. Turns out that he need to buy a single trip ticket to Clementi.
Ah ok! i'll help him with the purchase then, i thought.
However, this man here says that he doesn't have small change to buy the tickets with. He also refused to tell me how much he have, but just keep asking me if i have the change. I was like,
sheesh, fine... i'll be a good guy til the end, and so went to buy the ticket with my own money. Turns out that after i bought the ticket, he accidentally revealed that he only have $10 notes, and when asked why he doesn't want to use that money to buy ticket, he said he's afraid that the change might fall out the pocket.
i nearly eye-balled him. ah well, but i've already bought the ticket. sua la. and so it all ended as i guided him through the gate...
but as i see him taking the escalator up to the platform, i thought, hrm? is he really in need? he seems to be able to follow the identions on the floor, which SHOULD guide him to the control station if he's really in need of help. Why didn't he? and to ask a total stranger like me to buy him a single ticket... is he trying to hitch a free ride home? or worse still, is he trying to earn money from the refund of the used single ticket?
ya, i know these are "evil" thoughts, but i just can't help being cynical... it's something about him that i'm not very comfortable about, but yet i couldn't point a finger to it... hrm.
ah well, i shall not spoil my day by thinking "evil" thoughts. Time to sleep, time to sleep~~
è¯å yawned @ 1:46 AM
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Thursday, June 08, 2006
I lurve Maple...
or rather, i enjoy seeing my brother playing maple. keke... coz he'll join funny guilds, make funny comments about party members, have funny expressions when ks-ed, and display funny non-verbals that even he himself didn't notice.
ahahaha~ like now, becoz the computer will lag if he picks up his monster drops, he offered to help lvl his party member up if he agrees to just help him pick up the drops. His member however, decides to afk for prolonged periods of time (i think he simply wants to leech la), so now my bro's drops are all looted by other players. n ya, he's cursing and swearing at both the looters and the leecher! wahahaha~ so funny...
yar, so i think i will still be mapling for quite some time. since my bro is encouraged to maple more if my magician's lvl remains above his, and i'm encouraged to maple just to see him maple. keke...
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on a side note, hrm, i just listened to JJ's 只对你说... how to say? i'm so touched!! i think if my future bf ever sings tt song to me, i'll immediately fall in love with him all over again... haha. but again, it's a difficult song to sing, especially if you want to sing it with feelings. So... *haix* not much chance i guess. keke.
è¯å yawned @ 5:21 PM
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Wednesday, June 07, 2006
purpose of vaccinations
Vaccinations are meant to boost the body's immune system against a certain virus by injecting weak strands or dead cells of that virus into the body. Correct? So by right, after being vaccinated, the chance of getting that disease is quite low, rite??
Then tell me why am i down with flu like symptoms (without the runny nose / sorethroat) despite having received the flu vaccination a week ago?? I'm still as vulnerable rite??
if you say tt it's because the strand that i got was not vaccinated, then WHY is it not vaccinated?? What's the purpose of a flu vaccination, when in the end you still get flu??
ARGH~ i demand compensation, for the emotional scars of the injection and the subsequent lost in faith as i fall ill.
è¯å yawned @ 10:33 PM
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Sunday, June 04, 2006
my new hypothesis
my new hypothesis: the human race will only get taller, as the genes for shorties are eliminated.
it came to me when i went to the PC show today. Being the last day of the sale, the crowd was so fantastically horrendous! I can only inch my way into suntec, which i didn't really mind at first, coz i haf a generalized body-ache from ytdy's 2.5 hours of exercise. Just that as i enter the confined space of the showroom, i start to realise tt i can only breathe at the level of other ppl's armpits!!! (ah no, i didn't faint from all the b.o., coz i can't smell any. either everybody don't haf b.o., or my subconcious automatically adapted and blocked all concious olfactory awareness)
and then, it struck me. If more of such major sales are going to be held (which i think it's highly possible), shorties like me will only haf 2 choices: 01. suffocate in the armpits, or 02. excuse self from all sales and buy things at an non-sale price.
Choice 01 will definitely lead to immediate death, while choice 02 will lead to a slow death. why? becoz if shorties can only buy things at a more expensive price, they will hafta 01. not buy so much, and 02. work themselves to death to buy the thing they want.
so i think, to prevent shorties from being extinct, the organisers shd categorize the days of the sale into the tallies and the shorties. Like day 1 and 2 are for ppl above 1.65m, and day 3 and 4 for ppl below 1.65m.
agree??? =)
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anyway, i spent quite alot today... @ the fair. i bought:
2 webcams @ $38 each
2 microphone headphones @ $5 each
1 Norton Antivirus OEM @ $30
1 80GB external HDD @ $79 (woohoo! gonna load all my CDs to bring to Sydney!!)
1 Kodak 5.0MP digicam @ $299 (so that i can leave the Canon digicam in S'pore)
total spending of the day: $494
oh. i guess my new hypothesis is flawed. Becoz a shortie can also die of poverty from overspending at a fair.
è¯å yawned @ 8:58 PM
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