Wednesday, June 14, 2006
whose fault is it?
i really think that certain things are really not my fault.
Like me not eating "proper" meals.
How can i? when i find eating as a chore? when i cannot indulge in the joy of eating?
Why can't i enjoy eating? because i'm always stuffed with food when i'm full or do not have the inclination to eat, and i always cannot find food when i WANT to eat.
It's the same regarding reporting my location when i'm out.
How can i? when I know I'll get scolded for either not telling or being out too late/often anyway. Especially when i get snubbed by my mother when i ask her where she's going, and get chided by my father for NOT knowing where my mother is. There is no point in telling or not telling.
Seriously, i think my behaviours are not my fault. There are environmental factors that shaped me to become the way i am.
But yet, am i merely pushing all the responsibility to external factors just to get to do what i want?
Perhaps i AM pushing responsibility. Perhaps i'm just not trying hard enough. So i still insist that no, it's not my fault for turning out the way i am, but it's my fault for not trying to change my likes and dislikes.
Which by itself, is ironic, because if i can change likes and dislikes, then it'll be equivalent to manufacturing my inner being. Or am i supposed to manufacture my inner being? Somehow, just thinking about doing this contaminates my idea of the inner being as a spiritual holy ground.
ah~ another contradictory point i made. If u'd notice, i ALWAYS make conflicting views. Again, i shall say that this is not my fault, nor that of my brains. It's just that i've been growing up in an environment that ALWAYS provides contradicting signals. No wonder i'm still somhow fixated at the identity vs role confusion stage.
ah, but that is beside the point. the thing i wanna get across here is, yea, i know it's my fault, but i don't think it's my fault too.
Ah. shoot. stop contradicting myself!! ok, if u're still confused, perhaps i should be more to the point.. I actually only wanna ask:
Any idea on how to cultivate the joy of eating?
è¯å yawned @ 11:07 PM
______________________________
In glory of Coralfish, my 1st and last fish, who died on 08/01/06.
You've outlasted Grad,
who mysteriously disappeared.
You've outlived Spike,
whose sudden death, i wondered.
You've battled illness,
that'd rendered you disabled.
You'll be on my mind, always,
My pet, my fish, my dear.
Rest in peace my dear~ i'll miss you...
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