Tuesday, March 21, 2006
blabberings
If you live alone in a house at the top of the steep mountain slope, and everyday you gotta spend 1 hours climbing that slope to get to your house, will you one day decide that you don't want to return home?
i think perhaps i'd opt not to. i might get sick of it. i might even rather sleep on the streets than to walk any further.
What if your family is in there?
Maybe i'll persist a bit further. but most prob i'll still end up getting sick of it, especially when you know that there's no one waiting for you to come home anyway.
What if your house is on a mountain so tall, and a slope so steep, that no matter how far you climb, u can't see it?
if tt's the case, i'll believe that there's actually no house there at all.
hrm. i'm actually trying to describe what i was thinking of on the way home today. Yes perhaps its because i've sat for 2 sucky paper consecutively. Perhaps it's also because these 2 weeks had been the runner-up in my chart of the most horrible times of my life. But seriously and rationally, i think i'm beginning to lose sight of the "house" at the end of the tedious climb, and i really don't know why am i going on if its really that horrible.
if OT is the cause of my fatigue, then y shd i continue? Am i really an aspiring OT? on the contrary, i think i'm getting abit too jaded to benefit my future patients with any innovative ideas and energy and hope. Do i really want to be an OT? hrm. given the circumstances by which i landed on this course, perhaps it wasn't entirely my choice. Given the personality that i have, perhaps i'm too stone-hearted to be in the caring profession. If the answers are all so negative, y did i stay on? because i'm poor and i have no $$ to repay the bond? because there's nothing else for me to do?
Or maybe, i'm not feeling motivated because i don't feel any bond with the profession.
if it's LIFE that is tiring, then y shd i continue? What do i want to become? Do i really want to be the way i am? If not, y did i continue living?
What is holdng me back in life? what is my hidden motivator to push on? Perhaps it's societal norms that's askin me to keep going on. Perhaps its just because i'm too much of a coward to seek death.
Or maybe, i'm not feeling motivated because i don't feel any connection with the world in general.
the feeling i have is that i'm not living my own life. i'm continuosly being compelled to do something because i'm expected to. i'm unhappy about being forced to do something, yet i'm also too much of a coward to not do anything and face the conequences.
it's like, you know nowadays, everyone expects you to be both an indiv and group player? Having to work in groups is fine. just that i realise that as time pass by, because you are a group player, you are expected to be always a group player in that group. So let's say you're home and you're ready to unwind and relax, and your groupmate called to discuss the work. You are expected to jump straight back into the role of the team player. The effects of having too many commitments with group shows when you have lotsa groups. You're basically left with no time for yourself.
This reminds me of the saying: one tend to treat the one closest the worst. Closest, to many, may seem to be your family, your close friends etc. But actually, the one closest to you is yourself. Frankly speaking, how much time do you spend getting in touch with yourself? It just seem like a whole big joke when a businessman can spend hours video-conferencing with the client over in the other half of the globe, and yet have no time to answer the question that you ask yourself: hey, is this really the life that i want?
it doesn't pay to self-indulge, because you will be one of the odd one outs of the population that sacrifices all their time and energy with the paper chase, be it qualification or bank notes.
So, by spending the time to write out my thoughts, am i actually spending time to get in touch with myself? By not wanting to be the "outcast" of the main culture, am i tryin to stay "belonged"?
Perhaps i want to belong.
Perhaps my motivation is to reach normality.
Perhaps my life is actually a series of action to void things i'm afraid of.
è¯å yawned @ 6:10 PM
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ic3snow said on 12:35 PM
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Anonymous said on 8:32 PM
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Post a Commentpersevere on!
hey hey my dear! give u a big *hugz*! Ya i really agree with u. sometimes we are busy doing things that we should do and have to do... we dunno what we want. This is the same for me, and the same for many ppl living in this busy and competitive singapore. Sometimes i really admire those who know what they want and dare to fight for their dreams... i am afraid most of us are not as brave, or maybe we haven had enough time to discover what we really want.
i remembered once, my friend asked me just before school opens, "so what do u plan to do this sem?" i realise i have no plans... no plans at all. i was just going with the flow, doing what i have to do.
But oh well... regarding the profession, we have no choice do we haha... so learn to love what u do, and reexplore why did u made that decision. Maybe that will rekindle your passion for your profession. If it is for the extra heavy workload, add oil! things will turn out to be ok at the end of all things, and u will be so amazed by how u could have completed that yourself! ^_^
dor! u need to unwind yourself! *hugz* do something that u enjoy =)
talk to you again online ^_^
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