Monday, June 20, 2005
Angry
it's this time of the year again.
it's time for me to spill my weals and woes and shout at the sky, pleading "WHY???"
first and foremost, i feel injustified. I don't understand why issit that they're asking us for details in the initial evaluation that i clearly don't remember seeing them even mentioned in their own initial evals forms. i'm not saying that i'm demanding equal treatment as team members, becoz i am, afterall, just a student. but i'm wat saying is that wat i write on my initial eval forms are modeled after wat i see. From looking at the various forms already written, i get the gist of what i am supposed to look out for, and wat information am i supposed to fill in each section. so how do you expect me to feel other than injustified when they start asking me why didn't i elaborate more?
and i'm angry also because despite this is the 3rd week, i'm still getting confused by what they aim for during treatment. why issit that sometimes they can devote an entire 30 min to PROM or tone normalisation activities, while other times they expect us to cook up some activities on the spot?? STOP giving me contradicting ideas. i'm confused, disorientated, and disorganised.
HOW can they simply tell us that "oh, if this in-patient is free, you 2 can go and have a session with him" and expect us to conduct a session on the spot?? Are we expected to be able to conduct sessions even without letting them know our plan?? don't they feel that their pt might be endangered due to our inexperience and improper planning? and if something do go wrong, am i supposed to take all responsibility and hence fail my placement? I personally feel that i am incapable and unqualified to give an impromptu treatment to patients. it is an irresponsible behaviour to just dive into a treatment even b4 having the assurance that wat i'm doing is approved of.
and today we're to present on SOAP to the OTs in the hospital. We're TOLD, or shall i say ORDERED to present it, even when we feel that we're more like 班门弄斧-ing. but tell me why i have to rush like mad ytdy night for its preperation when today most of them are taking it as a joke? 2 rushed off in the middle of it all, one did not even budge from his seat when we clearly starting, another keep insisting that wat she was taught when she was still in our school was that Assessment is actually more like Action and ended up confusing everybody up?? And did anyone leave the presentation with a clear picture of SOAP? of course not.
but then, the one that i'm really angry at is myself. i can't understand why am i lost again due to mismatched expectations. For the last placement, i at least had the reason that the environment was not exactly friendly and my sup nearly left me on my own. Here, i have XJ with me. the environment is nice and friendly. they even serve good and cheap lunches. why am i still like this? why am i still lost?? somehow, i felt more lost than i was before. because i thought of trying to assert myself b4, but i couldn't find a way to. Not when i'm seeing my sup being so busy. Not when my another sup seems to be constantly creating agendas for us in her mind whenever she sees us. Really, i can't believe she just booked a slot for an out-patient that requires myofacial pain management for us just like that. WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO WITH HIM??? don't she know that improper management of trigger points can lead to even more serious pain symptoms??? Is she trying to challenge us, or trying to kill our placement by putting the statement -- "student has unsafe practices, unsafe to work with patients" ???
talking about her, i can't help but got this feeling that she's expecting us to adopt the same working style as her. Issit wrong to feel that i shouldn't interrupt a therapist at work to ask her about her tml's schedule? Issit wrong to say that i cannot and should not conduct a session that i only have minutes to prepare? ARGH~~~
So unfortunately, i still haven't came to a solution... shall i struggle still some more, since i know that their mid-way eval is already filled in? shall i forget all my concerns and become the girl that shoots questions whenever they pop up in my head? I really shudder to think that on thurs, when hwei lan comes down, my sup will be saying all my flaws and i am left defenseless. I WILL BE defenseless, because i didn't know that they expected what of me and that i'm performing below expectation by THAT much since dunno when. I agree that i am below expectation. but i am also being graded upon by a criteria that i did not even know exist. And for this i feel angry and injustified.
Am feeling down really. It doesn;t matter that the pilates that i've just started on is making me feel alot healthier. It doesn't matter that my brother won the preview tickets for Initial D. It also doesn't matter that i discovered that for the first time in my lifetime, my hair can touch the bottom of the overhead handles on the MRT, which might actually suggect that i've grown taller somehow.
Now that i think of it, nothing really matters, after all.
è¯å yawned @ 8:20 PM
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